Poocholla

One cold winter,
I ate an entire shot glass of panzanella salad.

Decadent, I know.

But if you can't cheat on your diet once in a while,
what are you gonna do?

Smoke crack?

Been there, done that.

I am proud of my body.
Every day I look in the mirror to admire myself
like the true warrior of body positivity I am,
complimenting myself on every great thing I see about myself.

"Hot damn, those chi-chi's",
I affirm to myself as I flick my hair.

I look myself straight in the eyes and repeat this
powerful mantra of confidence twice more.

Suddenly, the mirror shifts and I look into your bathroom.
You are brushing your teeth with a corn dog,
like the true patriot I always knew you were.

Your jaw drops upon witnessing my supernatural beauty,
your dental health snack falling into the sink.

Your heart starts racing —
this has never happened to you before.

You lean in
and heaving like you did while walking all those stairs the other day
you utter the question:

"What are you?"

I lean closer, my tongue curling from between my lips as I sensually whisper
d e l i c i o u s
into your ear.

I then reach for the corn dog and take a bite.

It is so, so good.

I retreat back into the mirror with the corn dog and my image fades away
as if I were never there.

You do not understand what just happened.

However, you do understand what you feel:

confused
intrigued
aroused, mildly

But most of all, you feel a deep hunger for corn dogs.

Thirty years later, I show up at your funeral looking like this.
And at your grave I swear to you
no person shall be left hungry again on my watch.

This message was brought to you by Mourn Dog's Corn Dogs

I love being outside.
I'm an outdoorsy person.
Don't you just adore the sun?

Sometimes I go outside to just show him a little skin as I rub cocoa butter all over myself.

Not just any cocoa butter, however.

Use only the best butter from grass fed cocoa cows,
imported straight from Argentina by Andean Flamingos.

Inject it into your lips to kiss the sun,
and he will kiss you back.

Being well done is one of life's greatest pleasures.

I used to watch Married With Children a lot when I was a child.
One night, Katey Sagal came to me in a vision
and told me that the most important thing in life was telling young people
to be unhappy in a monogamous marriage on television.
I woke up in the middle of a night, suddenly sporting spandex and big red hair.

A mysterious figure stands in the doorway to my chambers.
The figure draws closer, revealing her identity as she steps into the moonlight shining in from the window.
The realization dawns on me that my vision was not merely that — Katey found her way into my bedroom.
"Your time has come", she whispers to me.
I look her directly in the eyes.

"What did you say? I didn't quite get that."

With a lumbering voice, quaking all of Beverly Hills, she utters to me:
"A NEW PEGGY MUST RISE WHEN ANOTHER MOVES ON TO THE FUTURE... AMA!".
Her body starts shifting and shaping into a new form — and before I well realize it, before me stands a surprisingly an evolved entity with one eye and purple hair.
"THE ERA OF THE NEW WOMAN HAS DAWNED!"
I gasp.
How could I not have seen it?
I know this woman.
The woman in her full potential.
The future of all women.
She is...

L E L A

And suddenly, she was gone, leaving me with a box of delicious bonbons and the ambition to do nothing.
But if this is my destiny
...
I shall accept it.
For our future.
So we might all become like Her.

A true
...
L E L A

Have you?